This would also be a newsworthy beard for Tiger Woods.

If Tiger wants to announce that he has a beard, I suggest that he wait until he has something like this.

So this Tiger Woods dude grew a beard. And everybody’s writing articles and what not about it. Like this one. But I got a problem with this. Not With Tiger Woods. He can do anything he wants. But the dudes what are calling this a beard are way wrong. That aint no beard. That’s what we in the beard industry call a G.I. Joe or a ChiaBeard.

Basically it’s a fake beard. Like the greasepaint beard that Hulk Hogan wore when he was in his Bad Hulk period.

Only at least with Hulk, you could tell that he wasn’t pretending to have a real beard. Like Tiger Woods is. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he had some special effects Hollywood dude stitch each hair on individually.

What Woods is trying to do is pull an Al Gore. Remember that Gore dude? The one what invented the googles and tried to be president but got screwed? He was a robot kind of guy. He was like a big giant block of wood with legs. And he was always yammering about how awesome metal music was ruining kids and whatever. No way.

Well after he didn’t win the president shit, what did he do? He put down the razor. No more shaving. Bam. What did he care? He invented the googles. He didn’t care about fighting rad metal music any more and he said, “Fuck it. I aint tryin’ to prove anything by shaving no more.”

All the sudden, Al Gore started to look like a real dude instead of a robot. 

Tiger Woods has been a golf robot his whole life. And he was always pretending to be all saintly and whatever. Meanwhile he was out banging chicks all the time while his hot Swedish wife was taking care of his kids at home and waiting for him all the time. So then he crashes his car into a tree because his wife found out about all the banging so that she’d be more sympathetic. Total hail mary. When your chick nails you for doing something really crap, a dude’s last resort is to injure himself to inspire sympathy.

Well. It didn’t work. He had to get a head injury or something. And he shouldn’t have tried that shit with a Euro broad. Specially not a Swedish chick. Hasn’t he ever seen soft core Swedish porn movies before? Those chicks aren’t like American chicks. They know they’re all hot and they’re super cool. If you cheat on them with too many other chicks, they just go, “Oh well. I’m gonna cruise. Later for you.”

So then Tiger does his Nike commercial and tries to apologize or whatever. And then he comes back to golf because he wants to be super golfer again.

Surprise, surprise. It doesn’t work. The shine is off that gold. He can’t just come back and destroy everyone on the course. 

But like the Terminator, he keeps on going. Instead of just giving up or becoming a total fat awesome drunk like that Daly dude, Tiger looks down his list of what to do next and he sees that one of the options is Grow A Beard. But he’s still an uptight golf robot so instead of growing a real man’s beard—just letting it all hang out—he gets one of those manicured lawn beards. Just like a little golf course.

My suggestion for Woods? Let that beard go and the golf game will come back.

Take a look at these douche bags. They are total California douche bags. You can tell because they are smiling and happy at the same time that they are secretly draining the bank account of a professional sports team so that they can buy more cool cars and houses and heated toilet seats or whatever.

Now they’re getting a divorce like all smiling California couples do when they have a bad day and they’ve spent all their Dodger money on lawyers so that they can legally beat the crap out of each other.

Not that I’m gonna get all upset for the Dodger players that don’t get paid their awesome salaries this week or whatever. But what about the dude that makes hot dogs or one of those guys that wanders around the stadium with big ass trays of beer? Where are people gonna get their beer from so conveniently? Not from that guy cuz he won’t have enough money to drive to the stadium.

Anyway. I got a solution. Explain to me again why more sports teams can’t be owned by the people of the city where they play? 

Let’s say anyone that wanted to own a piece of the Dodgers throws in $500 for a share and you get, like, 1,000,000 people to do it. Bam. Now everyone who lives in L.A. owns the Dodgers. Get the city of L.A. to do some kind of eminent domain shin dig to take the team away and then anyone who wants a piece of the team throws their dough into the kitty and bob’s your uncle. People of L.A. own their own team. 

There’s all sorts of a-holes that would call that socialism or whatever. Don’t pay no attention to those losers. I call this Douchebag Insurance Ownership. Even if individual share owners turn out to be douche bags (and a lot of them will) they don’t own enough of the team to cause any trouble. Go ahead be a douche bag. The Dodgers will live on.

Dude. It did not take so much to make people happy back in the 19th century.

This shit is amazin’. I was just missing Colt 45 old school because uno: it rocks your socks off and duex: Billy Dee Williams. Let me say it again. Billy Dee Williams. The patron saint of being a dude.

I’d totally buy this cereal. General Mills should consider signing up the Masheen since he’s on a path to Total Victory™. Besides, Wheaties are awesome when you sprinkle them with a little crushed up Adderall. That’s how the Masheen eats ‘em.